My Butt Runneth Over

Most of my life I've been pretty quick on the draw when it comes to the joke. I grew up in a family that made fun of you at every turn. So I had to learn pretty fast! Most of my friends know that it's just part of my personality and I hope, accept me for who I am, a sarcastic beotch! Like most comedy, it's only funny if it's true. Which is why making fun of something obvious about the person (usually something everyone else is afraid to mention) is the usual target. Don't get me wrong, I will be the first one to make fun of myself or to laugh when someone makes fun of me. It's like they say, if you can dish it out, you better be able to take it! Which brings me to a recent example and perhaps a peek into "why I am like I am". Of course, again, I will be exposing something personal and embarrassing, but hey, that's just how I roll.

For most holidays, hubby and I go to my aunt's for dinner. She is the biggest culprit when it comes to jokes at my expense. I know by going there I am only setting myself up, but a fat girl has to eat dammit! Okay, so on our last visit, she proceeds to tell me "if I have to use the bathroom, I need to use the one upstairs with the hard seat because I broke her toilet seat in the guest bathroom the last time I was there" WTF! WOW, I didn't even know that was possible! First, let me just say in my defense, if there is a defense, she has one of those puffy cheap toilet seats that has those plastic connectors that hook it on to the bowl. I actually stopped buying those years ago because they kept breaking and that was way before I was fat! So anyway, I made some sort of joke about my fat ass and brushed it off and decided that there would be no bowel movements going on at her house now or in the future. It's only been the last 5 years or so that she has been skinny herself (anorexic is more like it) so, she probably knows about breaking toilet seats. A little later in the day, she made another comment about my weight and I proceeded to say "well, you know how it is" For some reason that little comment wasn't accepted as easily as my previous embarrassment was. I got a look as if I had just taken a shit on the dining room table! Actually that would have been pretty funny, considering I was no longer allowed to use her toilet. My point here is this, if you can't take a simple joke about yourself, then shut the hell up about someone else! Oh and to add insult to injury, she proceeded to call my sister, who wasn't at the dinner,to tell her about the entire toilet breaking episode! Always the "butt" of the joke! Much Love, Jodi

My Gripe Runneth Over!

I know I've been really slack at posting, it's been a while. I guess I haven't felt that I had anything interesting to say—until now! There's been a lot going on in the news lately that has gotten my goat, so here goes...

Osama Bin Laden is dead! Ain't it finally about time, yippee! The thing that kills me about the whole thing is that the same idiots that believed Obama's birth certificate was a fake, are the same morons that now insist that because we don't have Bin Laden's body, that he's not dead. Seriously, I'm quite satisfied that the man is gone, dead, executed and dumped overboard at sea. I personally would not have wanted to bring him back to the U.S. What the fuck were we gonna do with him, bury him beside your grandmother in the cemetery down the street? I think the president did the right thing, dumped his ass out in the deep sea where none of his followers can go worship or place a shrine or whatever it is they do. He was a monster and deserved what he got—a good shot in the eye!

Because of this asshole we have to go through hoops to protect ourselves from terrorists. We have to be scanned at the airport. Have our suitcases torn open and ransacked. Have our babies patted down to assure there is no dangerous materials or bombs hidden inside the child. (other than the normal bombs you would find in a diaper) Yes, it's hard to deal with, but these measures have to be taken in order to keep us safe! You do want to be safe, right? I watched a youtube video the other day of this stupid model chick— I don't remember her name, all upset and crying because she felt violated because the security woman had to pat her down and OMG "she touched my vagina" Gimme a break, what do you think that security officer was doing? I'm sure she was just waiting for you to show up so she could get a little touch of your vajayjay. Get over yourself! If they need to check my lady parts for hidden devices, then more power to them. I'd actually be very interested in seeing what they find up there myself. it's been a while since I've gotten any attention in my nether regions—maybe I can find that same woman security officer to get me some of that action! The xray machine—I love it, I get to raise my arms up in the air and honestly, that's when my boobs are at their perkiest!

I could go on and on with all the political bullshit, but I'd only get sucked into a full out trantrum about the Trump tramp, not to mention the halfwit from Alaska!

Til Next time, Much Love,
Jodi

This is Conversation... Really??

Okay, so what's up with conversation lately? I'm finding it more difficult to have any intelligent exchange with anyone these days. So many are using blah, blah, blah as part of their story telling. It goes something like this. "I was talking to a friend at work about Christmas shopping, how crowded the malls are and blah, blah, blah, WTF really? If the story you are telling me is so uninteresting that you have to include that phrase, then do you really think I am captivated by your words? How about you fill in the blah, blah, blah with something more compelling. Hell, make something up, I don't care. I just don't want to spend 15 minutes of my time listening to a story, that includes 8 minutes of this non-conversational fill in!

There are several other words I would love you to either use correctly or keep them out of your freakin' conversation. For example "Epic". Seriously, epic does not describe your morning because you got just the right amount of foam on your cappuccino or you breezed through three red lights on your way to work and didn't get caught! I would insert the definition here, but I'd rather you look it up for yourself so you can get a clear understanding of the meaning of the word. That in itself would be fuckin' EPIC! (Yes, I know, I used that incorrectly too, see how stupid that is!)

So, not just for my sake, but for every other person that is stuck in a conversation with you, be forewarned, "whatever" and "like" are equally annoying and I will walk away from you mid sentence!

Much Love—Jodi

I Was Old Before Christmas

A Poem by Jodi L. Clark

I was old before Christmas, the year's gone by quick.
The clock keeps on moving, clickety, click.
It seems that just yesterday, we were still spry,
still in the delusion that we could still fly.

"Fly hell", what is this, I think to myself,
I'm lucky if I can still hold on to health.
We wonder and ponder over so many regrets,
we should have the sense to not have so many debts.

Again, it is Christmas, the cash starts to flow,
I'm spending on shit, Oh God, I don't even know.
There's twenty bucks flying out, righty and lefty,
the credit card interest I'm sure, will be hefty.

But that's not the half of it, shall I go on,
to contemplate over what else has gone wrong?
Well let me just start by letting you know,
that when you are my age, you hit a new low.

The tit's start to wander further down south,
and complaining about it continues to flow from my mouth.
Oh it's not just the sagging of tits and rearend,
my brain is not functioning very well either, my friend.

We slightly remember life without pain,
when dancing and singing, kept us from going insane.
Now we're just happy to slide out of our beds,
and thankful to doctor's who prescribe all the meds.

I know life's a bitch, and to this I will shout,
Let's get our groove on before time has run out!
So remember my motto for the new year to come,
We can keep it a groovin' with pain killers and rum.



Merry Christmas
and Happy Holidays — Jodi

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well, I woke up this morning thinking no one would remember my birthday today. Really it was no big deal, took me a minute to remember myself! Needless to say, I was delightfully surprised to see that I am "Social Network Rich"! It started with just a few emails and FaceBook friends sending birthday wishes. I had stepped out for a while to do some errands and when I returned I had 55 emails in my inbox, took me a good while to get through them. So if by chance I missed saying "thank you" don't think I didn't appreciate it, but I'm damn old and those emails were overwhelming!

That's right, I'm old. Today I turned 52 years old and I'm certainly not liking it—nor am I aging gracefully. I'm finding it more difficult everyday to look in that mirror. Every time I do, I discover some new monstrosity carved into my face! Whether it be a new wrinkle, an ever darkening age spot, or something else unrecognizable! I keep looking at moles and questioning whether I've seen them before and whether I'm seeing a change due to Melanoma! (I did spend a lot of time laying in the sun as a kid, so that paranoia makes perfect sense to me) I can't see much without my glasses, so I've been opting to not wear them when I am anywhere near a mirror—blurry seems to put a lighter perspective on things.

Hubby, was wonderful today. After working over 13 hours last night, he still managed to come home this morning with a wonderful gift—a comfy white robe, which I needed, my old one looks really beat! He also brought a massive 4 layer chocolate cake with peanut butter icing (my favorite). How long do you think the cake sat there before I busted it open? I opened it to smell it—then I shut the box. I opened it to taste the icing—then I shut the box. Finally, After about 45 minutes I could no longer resist—got the knife and dove in. I'm supposed to be dieting right now—so much for that! Awe fuck off, it's my birthday, I'm allowed! I'm going to have to take the remaining cake over to a client or something tomorrow because my sweet tooth will definitely not allow me to have that sucker in this house for very long!

So all in all, my day was good. It's lovely to know that I have an enormous network of friends who care—or maybe I just spend way to much time on the internet!

Much Love to All—Jodi

Men Are The SHIT!

So Hubby and I just started dieting—NO pardon me, we're on a "lifestyle" change. Anyway, we started about a week ago and as I started reading more about men and women's metabolism I came to realize that generally men tend to drop weight quicker than women. Well, ain't that just the shit for him! He has lost 10lbs, I have lost 7. Now don't get me wrong losing 7lbs in less than a week, is very good, but apparently I'm going to have to work twice as hard to get the same results!

It has occurred to me, that men (I hate to say it) really do have an easier time with just about everything! They can pee standing up, they don't get their periods, go through menopause or have babies! (she laughs, I would really love to see my hubby squeeze something the size of watermelon out of his ass!) I know, women can do so much more than men... but don't we have to work so much harder at it than they do? Sure I can pee standing up if I really wanted to and I betcha I could actually make it in the bowl too while doing it! I guess the consolation here is that during my research I also discovered that women usually live 5 to 10 years longer than a man.

So maybe I can't piss my name in the snow, grow a beard (well not yet anyway) or lose weight as quick as a man, but I'll be around 10 years longer than he is to continue to do the awesome things that us woman do!

I would make a list of our awesomeness here, but I'm tired of typing now, so feel free to fill in the blank!

Woman are awesome because we can _______________________!

Much Love—Jodi